I pledge to be an Indian

We deem our country to be the best. We know we are lagging behind in 90 out of the 100 things that can make our country better. But, We Hope. We Believe. We drop down a curtain of disbelief and optimism, which helps us feel good from the outside. Inside, we know what deep shit we are in. We never believe in taking action, because we know someone else is already assigned to do that job. We hold immense pride in everything this country offers. Because that is the only thing we have; Pride. I DON’T. 

Here is my version and translation of what my National pledge actually means and screams to me.

** Kindly NOTE: The entire blog beginning from here is Sarcastic, if at all you do not understand Sarcasm, immediately click on the X button on the right side corner of your pc (Left for all Linux and Mac users)

India is my country;

Yes, it is MINE, We do not believe in Athithi Devo Bhava anymore, unless it’s an Oprah Winfrey or Pamela Anderson who is visiting us. We are so diligent and engrossed in what we do, that we believe anybody else residing outside this country should never get an opportunity to bring something which benefits the future of India. Because if that happens, how will our politicians earn their hard earned bribe from? Oh, did we mention we are biased? Starbucks and Mc.Donalds are allowed, because that is healthy and is not a competition to our tapri chacha ka chai who travels a good 50kms every day to open a shanty stall in the nook and cranny of every street. Everything else that enters our country needs 10 security checks to pass through the scanner. But not our politicians, they can walk in wearing a gun on their bodies and still not be caught. Because they need security, from common men like us. We are the bad people. Did I tell you about my fellow brother country housing Terrorists? Yes, we have conveniently tagged the country as a land of Terrorists and made a stereotypical image of them. Also, we do not allow them to enter our country and vice versa irrespective of how good and pure their background and intention is. They deserve this, because India is MY country. Not yours, it can never be!

And all Indians are my brothers and sisters;

We believe in raping and eve teasing every sister who wears what she feels like on a street where she walks knowing she'll be safe. We eve tease our sisters and make them feel helpless and weak. We give our sisters the best treatment by providing 12 seats in a bus and 0 in a company or an organization which can help her earn for her family. Nobody cares when out sister is being raped/abused/beaten up by our fellow brothers because that is how we are. We strongly believe in “to each his own”. Have we mentioned what good comrade our brothers share with each other? We murder for land and property, we kill and find joy in being called “Bhai”, we love to take that word seriously. We have a different definition of unity. We brothers unite when we eve tease. We unite when a man is being stabbed to death, we unite to watch and see how they are suffering and then narrate the story to our other brothers, and update status’s where we complain about how unsafe our country is. But when the time comes to stand as a witness in court, we conveniently back out and move back to our daily lives, United. Every sister in this country looks up to her brother as a hero, a hero who has chivalry and respect towards his sister who he looks upon as a sex object. Don’t you love the sacred bond we Indians share?

I love my country and I am proud of its rich and varied heritage;

Yes, we always make sure we leave our mark when we visit a monument or a heritage site. We never forget to write “Sanjay loves Deepa” on vintage walls which can never be repaired. We encourage arts, and hence, you may see graffiti paintings across the walls, trains, buildings of our country. These paintings are by our beloved paan chew-tiya bhaiya’s. They love to spread art and reach the masses. We love to preserve our beauty by keeping our beaches clean and tidy. That is why we immerse POP clay idols of Gods in beaches. That way, the beach too becomes sacred. We love how pungent the beach smells the next day and how much filth it gets across the shore.

We promise to never learn and teach our kids the same. Some day when they grow up, they will live in a world where there will be no beaches, and no heritage monuments. Maybe then we will save some funds from the government to concentrate on other things no? Because that is how we plan the future of our kids.

I shall always strive to be worthy of it;

Worthy of feeding the corrupt and be misled by them just like others. We will always make sure we pass on the legacy of bribery and encourage corruption by accepting and giving illegal money to higher authorities. We will not raise our voices against colleges which demand donation from students who score more than 80% and watch them give our seat to a wealthier kid. Instead, our parents will pay double the amount and be proud about how they don’t hesitate in paying expenses for our better future in this beautiful country. We shall be worthy of every expectation these corrupt people have and help them grow richer and let them bury the seed of helplessness in our thoughts.

I shall give my parents, teachers and all elders respect and treat everyone with courtesy;

We shall proudly claim that our country has a pension plan for every retired citizen but Zero security from murderers. We will read newspapers everyday where at least 1 Senior Citizen dies because he was not looked after, or because he was neglected. That is because we believe all a retired man needs after 60 years is money. We will get burdened by our old parents and throw them in Old Age Homes because otherwise how will you live a life of peace and calm? That is how our parents have raised us, that is what they deserve. We will respect our parents always, until they reach an age where we shall we throw them out, yes we will.

To my country and my people, I pledge my devotion. In their well being and prosperity alone, lies my happiness.

Our devotion towards this country is irreconcilable. We will love this country irrespective of how many flaws it carries, because that is how we are. We do not like to talk/hear/listen bad things about our country, Gandhiji taught us that. He taught us many other things like Non-Violence, but we will only strain out the good part from his teachings and leave the rest to be quoted. I will only be patriotic when a Bomb Blast occurs. Until then I shall stay a common man. A man who is patriotic, not democratic, a man who has immense love for his country, but no love for the people who live in it, a man who claims to die for his country, but does not bother to remember a single martyr on 26^th January and 15^th august because those are dates to plan a holiday trip with families. 

I am an Indian. I will only hope. I will only pray. I will never change. 2012 is just a year predicted for the world to end. India already died in our hands long back. 
What remains in our hands are its carcass; it stinks, but it’s ours.